This article is an excerpt from the upcoming Quit Aspiring, Volume 2.
I know, I know – you’ve been waiting long and patiently for this chapter. I assure you that I’m going to cover your most absolute burning question right off the bat.
That is, why is glacial ice so blue?!?!
It turns out, glacial ice isn’t made from the same stuff as snow cones, slurpees, or even cotton candy (shock – I know)! Nope, it’s actually blue because the ice absorbs red wavelength light waves, but reflects blue wavelength light. Unfortunately, there’s absolutely no sugar or food coloring involved even though that’s arguably a much better idea….
Now look, that fact might seem random – but when you’re nervous about meeting folks, you need to get good at breaking the ice. So, what better way to start off this chapter than with a random ice breaker literally about ice.
Okay, alright, I get it – let’s get into how to actually break the ice with folks and meetups and conferences in a realway, not some cheesy awkward icebreaker like I just did.
First, you have to start small and make promises to yourself
For everybody, walking into a room of unknown random people sucks. Even if you know you’re likely to have a good time, it’s emotionally nerve wracking. You walk into a room, feel like you have a giant spotlight on you, start breathing real shallow, and pull out your phone and pretend you’re doing something important just so you don’t feel awkward.
It’s literally impossible to hype yourself up and say “Okay… I’m gonna go NETWORK!” and suddenly be a badass. So, you can’t start there. Instead, a great way to approach new, unknown, and frightening situations is by starting small with small promises.
The specifics of how this will work will vary from person-to-person, but it’s all about what causes you the most fear. Let’s assume that you’re willing to go to a meetup (online, in-person, or a conference) and walk into the room. But, once you’re present, it’s really scary to start a conversation with someone new and that makes you literally sweat.
In that case, to practice facing this scary task from a place of comfort, you may promise yourself that you’re going to walk into the meetup, and you’re going to join a pre-existing conversation and ask one specific question to an individual in that conversation. That’s still likely a bit scary, but not as scary as walking up to someone and just saying hi.
Once you’ve gotten comfortable with that scenario, you can move closer and closer to “talk to a random person I haven’t met and said hi”.
This is a great way to break anxiety from yourself in general – I did this the first time I ever approached a free weight gym I was intimidated by. My first promise was I would walk into the room, and I could walk immediately out. My second promise was I needed to walk to the back of the room before I could leave. Third was I needed to walk in the room, pick up any dumbbell, and do a curl before I could walk out. Eventually, I pushed myself to feel fully comfortable in the gym with full workouts.
But once you’re in the meetup and find a person you could talk to, what do you actually say?
The last thing we want to do is walk up to someone and stutter, stammer, go mentally blank, or blurt out something that makes us sound foolish, like a jerk, or aloof.
So, instead, we can do one of our favorite things – play a game. Specifically, a game where the emphasis is on the other person.
Here’s how it works: When you show up at an event or a meetup, take your time. Pick out one person in the room who has a trait that seems genuinely interesting to you. Often this is a visual characteristic – someone’s shoes, hair, shirt, or whatever else (it does not need to be limited to this, either).
Once you’ve identified the person and the thing you’re interested in, start the conversation with a compliment and a question. For example, if you see someone with pink shoelaces in their sneakers and it catches you as quirky, you can walk up to them and say “I just wanted to say that I think your pink shoe laces are wild – what made you want to lace your shoes pink?!”
With that, you’ve begun the game.
Your goal from here on out is to see how much interesting stuff you can learn about this person. You’ll do that by continually volleying small questions to them about themselves.
For example, if the person remarks back something you might be afraid of: “Thanks! I mean… I just like pink, I guess?”
You can reply back with another compliment into a question: “Oh cool – have you always liked pink? Are there any other cool pink things you like?”
You may earn a quizzical look at some point, and if so, that’s okay. Most people aren’t used to other people genuinely being curious about them and asking questions. But, after a question or two, they’ll shrug it off and entertain you. I’ve only had 1-2 people ever follow up with “Why are you so curious about this?” – to which I follow up with “I just genuinely find this interesting and enjoy getting to know about you – speaking of which…” and followed up with another question.
This game is won by seeing how much of a picture you can craft of who this person is through curiosity and listening. Eventually, they’ll try and turn the tables on you and ask you a question. To keep the game going, find a way to volley a question back to them again – this is a high skill move and earns you triple bonus points. Introverts are especially skillful at this game and often attain high scores because they’re generally good listeners.
The game is lost once you start talking about yourself. You can end the game with no loss if you run out of things to say and follow up with “It was nice meeting/chatting with you – I have to run grab a drink/go to the restroom/etc.” and head off.
Is it really as simple as asking questions? Why does this work, and has it failed?
Yes, it is really as simple as just observing and asking questions. Once I learned I could do this, I’ve done it at every meetup I’ve ever attended since – both in person and online. In fact, if a person’s camera online has interesting things in the background, that’s easy fodder to comment on.
What you’re actually doing is taking a moment to be genuinely interested and curious in someone else. You’re not looking across the room for the weirdest thing or something completely random to compliment without really meaning it. Instead, you’re looking for something that resonates with you – and that means you may resonate with the person you end up talking to.
This works, I believe, because people really like to be heard and valued. In fact, I’ve used this with the hardest of hardcore introverts (folks who profess to hate talking about themselves) and I had one gentleman proceed to tell me his entire career and life story over 2 hours. Better yet, I was genuinely fascinated by his stories and wanted to know more – and every time I’ve seen him since, he hugs me and treats me like an old friend. All that, just because I took the time to value him by hearing him share.
“But Adam I don’t get it. I have literally ZERO social skills. I can’t do this. I can’t grow into this. I’m panicked – help me! I feel like I HAVE to do this and I don’t want to!”
First, take the pressure off. Building relationships with folks isn’t something that happens overnight. Neither is building the comfort and safety involved with doing this.
If it’s scary to even walk into a meetup room – make that your promise to yourself. Something like “I will walk into the meetup and then I’m allowed to immediately walk back out whenever I feel like it.”
Comfort with this is built over time and in baby steps. Identify what causes you panic and walk it back to a thing that you can do but causes you mild (but bearable) discomfort. Do that, and continue to take baby steps beyond that.
What I think you’ll find is that ‘networking’ becomes a lot easier when the pressure is off of you to do anything but walk into the room and be curious about other people. No sales, no ‘selling yourself’, nothing complicated – just walk in and be you and be genuinely interested in what you’re interested in. You’ll end your time much less exhausted than usual and surprised it could be so easy for you eventually, I promise.
Okay so, how do I talk to people again?
- Start small and make small promises to yourself
- Find something you’re genuinely interested in about another person and ask them a question about it
- Play the game – see how much you can learn about this person by continuing to volley questions at them to keep up the conversation
Look, I know I started off the chapter with a cheesy horrible pun about ice in relation to icebreakers…
But you don’t have to be like me. In fact, when you’re just starting to get comfortable building relationships with strangers, it’s better that you don’t.
Be you – find the things that you’re interested in and embrace your curiosity. You’ve got this!!!
Before you move onto the next chapter…Identify that first small step to you – is going to a meetup scary? What about talking to someone? Find that first promise you can make yourself, and commit to keeping it.